today is just one of those days where i wake up to the wrong side of the bed.
everything seems so wrong, so disoriented. i'm easily perplaxed today.
supposed to go down for a photoshoot today, but i put the person areoplane just cos i got no mood for it. honestly what's the big deal for the shoot? everything's in order, and i know sooner or later i will need the pic one. not that i lack money, price is not a concern. somemore the photographer so nice i don't know why i keep putting his appointment off. argh. just-feel-damn-evil-and-guilty-but-still-persist-in-doing-it. so ironic right?
and my bf my bf my bf. he's gone for reservist starting today, total 3 weeks service. i don't know what's going thru my mind. it's like we had the convo as described in the last post, then yest i went thru his hp agn to see the last time msg, he's the one who jio sam & victor out for bs. so in the end dunno got go anot, but not the point, cos my suspicion is that he say everything nice nice to me may be all fake. if really fake, then how can i trust him in marriage? i know bs cannot do extensive, but now that's not the problem. now is i suspect he put in nice nice words to me but did not follow thru! i already caught him once yesterday liao. i ask him why he didn't bring me to wx birthda party, he says its "guy's outing". only when i questioned more then he revealed that yes, actualy got many other girlfriends went. that means that what he said to me is just convenient excuse! i'm not angry he nv bring me there, cos i know later on in the night he has to work, then have to send me back v troublesome. but i'm angry cos he never tell me the truth, it's not a guy's outing! why did he have to say it was a guy's outing? pissed off. never mind, now i give him chance, it better not happen again. he promised he will bring me to the next outing, we shall see abt that. somehow this solution didn't pacify me one bit. it's like i know that he will bring me to an outing that is super "safe", then totally no point at all, but it will be even more maddening for me to know that the other gfs are going to the outing yet he does not bring me. how can he be an advocate for applying for hdb flats and yet do this, i do not know. maybe we're both in paradoxes, both want to have so-called selfish freedom of the unattached that only oneself can enjoy but yet such benefits cannot extend to the other partner. what do i make of this situation, i do not know. i only know that the convo we had that did so much to pacify me is dubious because i checked the msgs and he is the one who initiated bs, and saying it in the manner like they have done it a hundred times already.
at first im afraid & was angry of what he could possibly do in bs, then the suspicion transferred to whether he got call fls after the session, but now to me is a more nagging issue would be the sugar coveting of words, which indicates that i may not be able to trust him! argh.
i do realise that im going on and on, but im kinda rendered helpless. cos hdb coming soon, got to select soon. i scared everything he say swee swee to me, all turns out to be a big lie. then by then i have already committed, very hard to u-turn already cos i may have already contributed to some payment of the house? unless i'm very firm that i do not contribute to the house for any part of the down payment, that i will only contribute in serving the loan after we get they key, which means that we would have been legally married already. ok, i shall persist in my stand.
i don't know why trust is such a big uncertainty for me. lagi worse is i take revenge first after i have suspicions but not concrete solid evidence. and the ironic part is i still mind it so much. i don't know why. must the the past history and myself. i told him many times i need a husband i can trust, don't lie to me etc, dunno can he get it in or not. sigh.
i know he very sayang me, buy expansive stuff for me, even the small pink cushion he bought for me also need to cost $70, but is this enough to sustain a relationship? is this trade-off worth my whole lifetime? i keep asking myself but no ans yet. still thinking.
actually i know very well that if i dun care so much, just pretend nothing happen, dun check this check that, just go out to movies and eat good food with him, i can be very happy one. the thing is that i love him, i want to know his heart and what he thinks, so makes everything so kangkor now. if only i can just let go, think of the 3 weeks as holiday break from him, wait for him to come back then eat good food for 2nd yr anni at gyu-kaku, and get belated anni present from him, like that will be quite shiok. i think i just need to recondition my thinking. the thing is, should i do this, cos if i do i may have to put up this for the rest of my life. then again, what makes me think that other men will be better? how can i secure a better life as a confirmed answer? how can i make sure that he's relatively well-to-do, with a good degree, able to click, able to make me laugh, bring me out for good food, buy me stuffs, and me to like his appearance & me to be his type of girl, and him not to mind that i only have poly cert, and me to stay home and not to have a stressful full-fledged career? how how. so tough leh. but i look back to this relationship now, it really looks like a companionship mistress relationship, with me in full acknowledgement as his gf in his friends & family, and without any sexual relations whatsoever. so is this good or no good, i also dunno. supposed to be good right? cos mistress has all good stuff w/o name, and got to give sexual returns. i get good stuff with name, but give no sexual service whatsoever. supposed to be good then why am i worrying? i'm worrying cos i don't know where he get his release, dunno if he will do things behind my back. main issue is dunno if i can trust his words. then again if he's making the effort to sugar-coat his words, and wants to marry, should there still be cause for concern based on all those pre-qualifying conditions i mentioned earlier that he passed? still thinking of trade-off and opportunity cost... is this guy worth marrying...