Hello, my name is paper and I am a piece of paper.
My purpose is to have people write on me and to be printed by printers.
I like the smell of wood because it smells like my parents.
My ambition is to be thrown away and recycled.
(lmao i don't know what to put in here, so thanks Claire for the message.)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Settling For Less
by Peter Hector
Did you unknowingly settle for less than you deserve in your relationship?
Most people would agree settling for less than you expect is the wrong way to enter a relationship. But how can you tell whether or not you have settled? Seems like a simple question Right? You may be surprised to learn that many women were not aware they had settled for less than they wanted and believed they deserved from a love partner. And this became clear to them only when they began to look for reasons why their relationships were not functioning smoothly.
How could this happen? How could a woman who is smart, successful, attractive, confident and vigilant about maintaining boundaries like most of the ones I spoke to, end up with a mate who falls short of her expectations? Because she is human and humans can make mistakes. And many such mistakes are made at a sub-conscious level. Yes! People sometimes settle without being aware that they are settling.
Here are five ways people can unknowingly settle for less than they want and expect.
1. Believing you are in love when in fact you are settling for an image rather than falling in love with a person.
Anita now 38 was 21 when she met Frank. She was attractive, bright and had a promising future. At that time she believed she knew what she wanted out of life and was confident she would achieve her goals. She was flattered yet not surprise when Frank fell for her; Frank was the dream of every girl she knew; handsome, ambitious, great career prospects and madly in love with her. Everyone said they were a great match, but even though she thought she loved him she felt something was missing.
The magical feeling she thought she would experience from falling in love was just not there. She knew something was not right but reasoned that things would change along the way, after all they were the perfect couple. The first four years of the marriage seemed to go well. Anita felt she got everything she had hoped for; the dream house, financial stability and two wonderful children. It was not long after that however things seemed to go downhill. She later confessed that despite the obvious success of her marriage she was never truly happy. Here's what she said; "It never crossed my mind I was settling at the time. I thought the passionate love I wanted to feel would come later, but it never did. It was not Frank's fault either. I realize now that because of the way I felt I may have lacked the passion needed to give him the love he wanted and deserved, so he found it outside the marriage."
2. Settling for someone whom your friends and family believe is ideal for you.
This is not the same as marrying someone in order to satisfy your family. People who settle this way, usually rationalize that maybe they are being too picky. And when they reconsider their assessment they do not believe their choice of a partner was influenced by others; they believe it was their own decision. This form of settling is common especially in cases where someone might have had one or more failed relationships. We've all heard these words before. "The man has a great personality, an excellent career, he adores you; who are you waiting for; Prince Charmin?" It may take a while, but a person bombarded by such great words of wisdom may eventually tell themselves; "No one is perfect. This little thing about me having to fit myself into his schedule every time could be worked out along the way"
3. Settling in a relationship where sex is emotionally unfulfilling.
According to psychologists, an ideal relationship for a woman is one in which commitment; love and pleasure are all present at the same time. But the image of "sex only for pleasure" portrayed and vigorously promoted by the mass media has left some women confused about what to expect from sex. A woman may long for the emotional fulfillment she instinctively expects, but conforms to sex which satisfies her and her partner only for a few moments. Why? Because she may mistakenly believe that's all sex is supposed to do. So even though her instincts tell her something is missing she may settle in a relationship where the sex is not as fulfilling as she expected it to be. When everything is right, sex feels like a celebration of love and commitment. If this feeling is not present, it may be a signal that something is wrong.
4. Settling for a mate because he/she is madly in love with you but you do not love him/her as much.
It can be extremely flattering to find someone to love you unconditionally; some people spend a lifetime in search of this kind of love. Let's not forget however that love is a two way street. You will hardly find true happiness in a love relationship if you cannot equally return the love you are receiving from your mate. Some people argue that you can learn to love someone if that someone truly loves you. And a person entering such a relationship may not realize they are settling. At a counseling session Rachael 39, confessed; "I did not love him at first although I knew he loved me, but I was so moved by the way he showered me with kindness, I decided to marry him. But during our marriage I never felt fully satisfied with the relationship although things were going well for us. When I met someone else and fell in love, I realize I could not remain in the marriage any longer; I did not want to hurt him so we parted as friends."
5. Settling for someone you hope to change after you're married.
More and more people are beginning to understand it's difficult if not impossible to change someone's habits, so today people are choosing their partners more carefully. Some singles however feel so confident about their own attractiveness and eligibility; they believe a would-be partner will gladly make compromises so as to be in a relationship with them. So they choose a mate whom they hope to change along the way. Typically such a person believes the relationship is perfect; both parties are an equal match for each other except for one small thing. For example the man wants to maintain his habit of regularly hanging out with his friends. And the woman despises this trait in him but reasons. "This is just his boyish side and perhaps he never had a real woman in his life before; he'll soon grow out of it. She then goes ahead and marries him only to find out he never had any intentions of changing his habits. It is my observation that when such a relationship fails, it's the party who did the settling; in this case the woman who is most devastated. She sees this as a blow to her ego because the man did not change his behavior the way she expected. Maybe he was not as fascinated with her as she thought.
To avoid some of these mistakes, answer yes to the following before making your decision.
Have you defined who you are, what you want and what are your special qualities that make you different from anyone else? When you truly know yourself you can make more realistic relationship decisions.
Do you take full responsibility for your own happiness? - meaning you depend on yourself and no one else to make you happy.
Do you listen to your instincts? Your instincts are your first line of defense against danger. Whenever they tell you something is wrong, they are usually right.
If you compromise, you are careful not to give up your core values. Sure, compromise is sometimes necessary; it may even contribute to growth, both yours and the relationship's. But you and only you must decide how far you want to go.
©2004 Peter Hector
http://www.singlescafe.net/settling-for-less.html?authorname=Peter%20Hector