time really flies.
im now 2wks away from confirmation @ work.
and have been alex's girlfriend for 4.5 months.
in the past 4.5 months, i have witnessed many happenings and changes, as well as gained much insights.
when i first got together with alex, he was always the one in command, walks ahead of me, not offering to help me carry my (heavy) things, highly impatient and has a quick temper. of course, none of my friends witnessed these behaviour, which i am thankful for, because if they had pointed all these out i'd probably listen to them and missed this gem in the making. so why did i decide to stick by? because i could really tell that he was putting in effort into this relationship, and not playing the field. after all that drama with jk, i certainly do not want another tragedy to happen again. so at that point of time, "not playing the field" was quality was what i valued most.
how do i know he was not playing the field?
-he was very very extremely proud of me, he was (and still is) not afraid to show off me to all people he knows and tell the whole world that i am his girlfriend. no big deal in that? he used to hang out with models before he met me, now he tells it TO them that i am his girlfriend. if he wants to play, why tell the top-grade girls?
-he made a critical mistake on kar wai's birthday celebration. at st james, he had put his arm around his female friend jan's shoulders in an attempt to lean in to hear what she was saying in the noisy background. he walked in front of me with her. i couldn't take any infidelity nonsense anymore, esp not right after jk. i screamed foul at him. and this is the 1st time his friends are meeting me. imagine. he apologised and promised not to do it again, but my mind was half made up to leave him for good already. remember my golden rule of not playing the field? if the #1 top priority was marred, then what is the point of staying on with him? goodbye, i simmered angrily to myself. yp turned up at st james all of a sudden, & wanted to fetch me home. what was the determining factor that spurred me to leave with yp that night? well, why hang out with alex when he doesnt treasure my company, i figured to myself. might as well go off with yp, at least i know he loves me more.
..and that was how the whole police saga begun. i couldn't believe what was happening. the one whom i thought loved me dearly was abducting me in his car, and the one whom i have thrown behind cos i thought he didnt love me enough was chasing after yp's car, kept calling me to check if i was safe and activated the police. this juxtapox was making my head spin like crazy. this was the turning point. amidst all the madness, i now knew who to trust. it is in times of calamity that one exposes his true self. oh, and all that crying after i fell into his safe hands? im pretty sure a guy wouldnt stick around when he sees his girlfriend's perfectly made-up face turn into a colour palette with all the tears streaming down if he wasn't serious.
-he practically had my picture plastered all over: his friendster account, his handphone wallpaper, he even requested to have a picture of us in his wallet. which player keeps a picture of his girl in his wallet? this is highly contradicted by his friend barnabus' behaviour which i still remember well & clear: "barney how does your girlfriend look like?" "shhh.. not so loud.. if not i cant score any chicks tonight" "well, any picture of her then?" barney shot me a knowing look and said "that would be the most dangerous thing to do, my dear girl. what if another girl sees it?" i remember this conversation well & hard. fidelity. fidelity. where is fidelity???? i shook my head in disgust. i am thankful alex didnt behave this way. barney is definately the king of all hongs.
speaking of handphones, he had many girls' pictures in his hp before he met me. i told him i wasn't too happy about it, and he immediately deleted all of those pictures, and from that day onwards whenever i monitored there were only pictures of myself and him. i didn't even request for him to delete those pics.
and that was just the initial stage.
now, 4.5months into the relationship, alex's behaviour is simply wow-ness.
he not only attends my family gatherings, he brings me out to his family gatherings, AND brings my family out to Goodwood Park Hotel to makan. wow. and what's his theory to that? "must ai4 wu1 ji2 wu1. if you love the girl you must embrace her family as well. they come as a whole package."
he asked me once, "under what circumstance will you leave me if i continue behaving the way that i am now?" i replied w/o missing a beat," only if he is everything that you are now, but more xi4 xin1 (caring), that is the only circumstance when i will leave you. but i probably wouldn't, cos nobody's perfect." .."so there's still a possibility that you will leave me? don't leave me... i already have plans for our future.."
i can still remember when we went to st. james he had a lil' too much and got tipsy so we went outside to rest. i sat on the steps, he had his head cradled on my lap, and he was mumbling "dear...don't leave me.. don't leave me.. i love you a lot...i really love you a lot.... don't leave me..." whoa. quite a touching moment there.
it is just amazing. he automatically drives me home everytime we go out, asks me where i would like to eat, takes me out on car rides, carries my heavy bags.
on our second month together, he gave me a surprise present. it really took me by surprise cos it was i who always emphased on monthly celebrations whilst he wanted it to be done on a yearly basis.
during breaks from his work he would go arcade to attempt to get the stitch toys for me cos he knows that i like stitches. to date, i have 4 stitch soft toys from my darling. it wasn't the number of toys that mattered, what mattered was that he was still thinking of me despite me not being by his side.
remember he brought me along to the malaysia trip? i came to find out that it was originally supposed to be a boys' field trip. alex broke the tradition by bringing me along. when i first told him that my parents might not aapprove of this outing he was so disappointed, cos as quoted from him this would be "our first overseas trip together".
about 2-3wks ago was his ex classmate's wedding. he was the only one who brought his girlfriend along. zirong didn't bring cheryl, weixiong didn't bring his gf, eugene didn't bring his olivia. i was the only flower at the table. throughout the wedding dinner he either held my hand or put his hand on my lap. when the newly wedded couple exchanged marriage vows and rings, he gave my hand a quick squeeze and smiled excitedly. while waiting to get our food weixiong asked alex, "what kind of wedding would you like? would you do it like this, just a small-scale wedding gathering?" guess what was alex's answer? alex touched my arm lightly and smiled and said "i don't know, but i think she'd surely want a grand wedding." even mark asked, "so alex, when is your turn?" lol.
we basically talked about everything under the sun. topics about marriages, kids, fidelity were definately not taboo. he says things like "come let's go shopping.. you must know what i like..you will have to know how to do shopping for your future husband."
he says the nicest things to me. during his auntie's grand birthday celebration during dinner he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "you're so beautiful. i think you are the most beautiful girl here in this whole ballroom." and when all his guy friends were commenting on how hot a girl was, i whispered to him privately "somehow i don't really think she is very pretty and hot. i have seen girls way hotter and prettier.. i dont understand what is this big hoo-ha about. i think..i think she is the same standard as me only.. there are definately prettier girls." alex looked at me, smiled, and cuddled me close to him. "that's because you don't know how hot and pretty you are. i've heard the guys talk about you. you are definately the same standard as she is." sweet. very very sweet.
and he isn't afraid to praise me loudly in front of his friends too. mark once pointed in my direction and said, "that's cute." i sat up straight and took a peek behind me but didn't see anything. "what's cute?" "you. you are cute," alex chirped in. lol.
going home from yishan's church gathering, we stopped over a swissotel for a washroom break. when i came out alex held up a note. .."To everyone in the whole world, alex loves jane. jane is the best thing that happened in alex's life. from alex." that was simply oozing with sweetness. i will never forget what was written on the note. and he really did leave it there in the hotel lobby for everyone to see. i even took a picture of it. hahaha~
there was once when wesley commented on something off-form about how alex offered to fetch hayley to and from mahjong just cos she's a model. i got so way jealous that when we got back to his car i announced, "alex, im going to tell myself to love you a little less, because im loving you way too much im veering to jealousy. i felt so hurt just now, if only i had loved you a little lesser then it wouldn't hurt so much. so from now on that's what im going to do." it took a mere 15 seconds for tears to form in his eyes. "what..?... did you just say you are going to love me less..?..." tears started rolling down. i was beyond shock. wtf? this guy is actually crying over my one sentence? the one who mocked at the guys crying over me? now he is committing the deed himself? i just couldn't believe it.. i can only stare at his teary face in disbelief.. "..but i have never done anything to hurt you.. all these happened before i met you.. after i met you the only girl i hung out with was you.. did you know why i brought you to all my outings? cos i wanted you to see for yourself that i wasn't flirting with other girls.. i know u r the kind who wans to see for yourself to believe it... i have never done anything to hurt you...." tears rolling down one after another. heartwrenching moment.... i was like a spilled tap as well. i didnt know i had caused him so much hurt with only one sentence. and he was right. what has he done to hurt me? nothing. i guess i was just protecting myself from the hurt in my past thats all. he is innocent. i apologised in tears. after awhile in silence alex went on with a sigh, "there is nothing i can do to prevent you from saying this again. nothing at all. your dear dunno anything one... he only knows how to love.. love you so much also kena complain... sigh.." with that we cleared up all the watery mess and went to newton to join the guys. i felt so bad. he really didnt do anything to hurt me...
the way he looks at me... i cant describe it... it's this soft loving look with a smile... that just makes me wanna give him a hug.. is this love? i feel so comfortable with him...
we were having a conversation yesterday about guys who insist their potential wives to go for a body checkup first to make sure she dosn't have any illness before they marry. i asked him if he agreed to this. alex thinks this is bullshit. "if you really love the girl, you will marry her regardless of whether she has any illness. those guys that insist on the checks are those who want to go back on their words on the marriage. checks to make sure that the baby isn't harmed? nonsense. marriage and having a baby are seperate issues. the only way which they are linked is when the marriage is shotgun. to make sure the baby will not be infected? ask her to go for health check before having the child, not before marriage. even if you have whatever illness, i will still marry you, cos it's you that i want to be with for the rest of my life. so does the result of the health check matter? im still going to marry you. then what for take the helath check? marriage and babies are two different issues. marriage is when two people have made a promise to each other that they will be with their other half throughout their lives, not three people. the child is innocent. it did not make any vows of promise."
wow. talk about grains of insight.
on a side note, we're starting a citibank joint savings account, and he gave me a card as well.
dear Lord, i have got to learn to trust. please help me in handling shadows of the past. please help me to learn to trust him, if he is the right one. help me control when im filled with jealousy or anger.
heal my heart and make it clean. thank you Lord, for all that you have given me.
Amen.